Bryan's Blog

2009-12-06T03:15:00.000-08:00

Today is really a tiring day for me.. cooking non stop for a bunch of Malaysian friends for house warming party. This is will be last time of doing so.

2009-12-04T01:37:00.000-08:00

It was like sleeping for a long time. For more than 2 years, I didn't update this blog and I am back here again. I am no longer in Kuala Lumpur, but in Saigon, Vietnam. For the past 2 years, I am working in Saigon.

I am not sure how all the bloggers out there whom used to comment and share about our thoughts and life. I hope it can be restart again.

Bryan

2006-11-22T09:17:00.000-08:00

Work like you don't need the money

Dance like no one is watching you

And

Love like you've not been hurt before

- Anonymous

2006-11-19T01:59:00.000-08:00

A song for Art ...

aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih

aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
oh bayangmu seakan-akan

kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku yg memanggil rinduku padamu
seperti udara yg kuhela kau selalu ada

hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang tanpa dirimu
aku merasa hilang dan sepi, dan sepi

In English translation:
I wished to be your sweet dream in your sleep
I wished to be something that you'd think of
Because my steps were broken without your presence
Because my heart was tired

I wished to be something that you could touch
I wished you to know that I always idolised you

Without you, it was lonely like my heart being chained
Your shadow was just like ...

You were just like the hyms in my heart calling me to love you
Like the air I breathed where you were always there

Only you can made me calm
Without you I felt lost and lonely

P/S: A copy of this song will be sent to you via email. I hope you like it :)

2006-11-14T02:07:00.000-08:00

TRAVELLING? MOBILE PHONES?

COMPUTERS? OR ...

A discussion with my colleagues during lunch time...

C: Why u have so much money for holidays?
Me: Not really. All my travelling were on very tight budget. Stayed at cheap hotels, eat cheap also. Tried to get AirAsia if possible
C: U been to so many places. BKK la... China... Redang n now Vietnam...
Me: Aiya, as i said, all just budget holidays.
C: Also need money mah... If I have extra money, I rather spend in others ways..
Me: Like???
C: Wanted to buy new phones... new laptop... new car...
Me: Well, it's a matter of preference. I just love travelling...
C: I don't like travelling like u.. So kiam siap (stingy). If I wanted to go, only luxury 5 stars hotel, guided tour. I won't torture myself like u.... furthermore always go alone. If I have enough money, I will buy N80, Mac PowerBook etc etc etc....

I just kept quiet and smiled....

I wished not to comment more. It's just like talking to people who didn't recognise everyone of us had different dreams and preferences. He tried to prove his desires were more meaningful than me. If I continued to argue further, it would be meaningless anyway....

2006-11-13T05:54:00.000-08:00

WEEKEND IN HANOI

As per my previous post, I did went to Hanoi and came back in one piece. Here I would like to share my travel experience there.

Landing at No Bai International Airport with 1.5 hours delay, I went to a travel agency to book for a hotel room. Rated as 2-stars hotel, situated near the Old Quarters, I booked for a room with breakfast for US$25. Arriving at the hotel, I went straight to the counter and booked myself a 2D/1N tour for Halong Bay. It costs me US$44, which includes accomodation on the boat (single room), meals, tour and kayaking.

Then I strolled along the Old Quarters and also the Hong Kiam Lake for sightseeing, dinner and also pasar malam. Hanoi to me is a unique city, with nice French architecture, and thousands of motorcycles. (Pic below: Hanoi Opera House)

The foodstalls across the street in unique. Using low tables and stools (bangku), you can really taste the local food with less than RM2 (approx 8000 dong). Try out beef noodles, chicken noodles, tow foo far, steamboat, fresh fruits and the strong and bitter Vietnamese coffee. All at very cheap prices. Be careful, though, you must ensure the soup they served are still boiling in the pot. Otherwise, you may get diarrhea.

Next morning I boarded the tourist van to Halong Bay. The van was packed with Mat Salleh (or farang, in Thai). Met tourist from Canada, Israel, UK, US and Germany. Amazingly I was the only Asian. Sigh! By the way, the Canadian guy is so cute. He he he

Reaching Halong Bay, we checked in to the junk (or boat) and had lunch there. All Vietnamese food served, and then the guide took us to Halong Bay for sightseeing. Went to a cave (something like sam poh tong) - nothing special for a Ipoh guy like me. Though the scenery is unique (like mini Guilin). Also went for kayaking and had a chance to view the spectacular sunset in the middle of Halong Bay.

Hanoi to me is not a shopping heaven. I feel that Bangkok is much better for shopping, but it's a totally new experience to wander around in an old city, packed with old French architecture buildings, thousands of motorbike and the never-ending honks sounds. After all, it is really good weekend outing by my own.

And my next destination: probably Tibet or Argentina. :-)

2006-11-09T07:34:00.000-08:00

ABOUT LOVE

This afternoon, I met up with a friend at Curve for a short lunch.

T: How's ur holiday in Hanoi?
Me: It was good. I stayed cheap, eat cheap. That's how I can sense the locals' life there
T: Why u so stingy? Go la to nice cafe, stay in better hotels
Me: Well, different ppl got different preferences
T: Any plans with ur bf for holiday?
Me: I'll visit him next month. Not much plans as at now
T: How maintain such relationship? U see... I have been with my bf for many years.
Me: So what? Love should not be measured by years.
T: Well, we are so compatible. We will be going to Australia end this month, HK next month and Japan next year.
Me: Then, good on you

At first I really felt disturbed with his remarks. Well, I do admit I am jealous and envy. People have honeymoons with their lovers so many times and I hardly even see my bf. Even when I am in Bangkok visiting him, he may not be around because of his work.

When I drove back to office, I think for a moment. But I could sensed that it would be very wrong for me to feel jealous after all. True, I don't meet my bf quite often. For most people, our relationship is just merely friendship. But deep in my heart, I never ever think of that.

Then I called him up about 6pm. He was having a party in a university function. Immediately I felt a sense of happiness for him as he was enjoying himself there.

It's true, i didn't meet him often. It's true, he placed his priority to his family and career. But as long as he is happy with his life right now, should i be angry? Or rather when I see him happy, I will be happy too?

From that moment onwards, I truly realised once again that true love doesn't mean I must attach to him.

Most people thought in search for happiness, we do it externally, eg shopping, holidays etc. But the reality is it's only temporary. If our internal is not peaceful and always practice self grasping, how can our happiness last?

2006-11-03T06:02:00.000-08:00

HANOI .. HERE I COME

Pals, long time I didn't update my blog. It's true. Damned lazy and many stuffs happened for the past few weeks. Probably I am not open enough to share it out! Nevertheless, I am going for a short break again. Hopefully I can relax and chill out. Well, the previous trip I was in Pangkor Island for a day trip and rented a motorbike there to tour around. Not bad though!

I dreamed to go to Vietnam for a couple of years, but the high airfares deterred me from doing so. Well, thanks to AirAsia, I managed to book it when it first launched this sector in mid September. For a return ticket of RM320, it's really a bargain.

AirAsia - Now Everyone Can Fly ... Hopefully not Everyone Can Die .. Ha ha ha

I'm sure to take some nice photos to share out with you.

By the way, my previous photos in Huangshan (China), which you can still find it in my blog, was featured in a calendar. Got 50 Swiss Francs for that (approx RM 150). Not bad though.

For the time being, take good care of yourselves and I'm going to take care of myself too in Hanoi. See ya...

2006-10-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

EXTRAORDINARY "DISCOUNT" AT BORDERS

Last Tuesday was a public holiday in Selangor. I went to Borders, the Curve for browsing some books before I went for lunch, karaoke and dinner there with my colleagues. One of my colleagues would be leaving soon and we thought of organising a farewell party for him.

As a HSBC credit card holder, I was entitled for 15% discount for RM100 spent in a single receipt. I had chosen a books on Pilates and a fiction book, and the total was RM 115. When the cashier scanned the barcode, the total amount was correct. And the moment she pressed the discount button, to my shock, the payable amount was only RM22.10!

She thought it was an error, so she had done repeatedly for 3 times. Still the cashier counter showed RM22.10! And she charged me for that.

For 2 books with cover value of RM 115, I was only paying RM 22.10. Don't you think it's an extraordinary discount? Not a bad deal anyway. :D

2006-10-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

LONG ABSENCE FROM BLOGGING...

Yes, it had been a month that I didn't blog, not because of I am lazy to write but my laptop was infected with virus, which I took a month to fix it (ha ha) and too occupied with my work. With more than a week in Singapore for training, it was like in hell. When I was back to KL, then came the haze and made me felt sick! In fact, I still not recover fully from my flu! Sigh!

I hope fellow bloggers are good in health and happy always...

Tonight no mood to write... When I have inspiration, will try to pen in something. Bye for now!

2006-09-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

DO I LOOK GAY?

Yesterday, one of my female colleagues suddenly asked me "Are you dating Mr X?" I was totally shocked. For such a long time, I appeared to be so straight in front of all my straight friends. Even some of my gay friends kept on asking me if I was really gay.

Well, I do admit that I can't see myself clearly, the way I behave or act. Mostly I depend on peoples' (around me) comments whether I appeared to be straight or gay.

I do not feel "very proud" to be gay, but I just want to be who I am. I always feel sexuality is very personal, and should not incorporate ego into it. When someone told me "I am straight/gay/bi", in my heart I'll say "So what?"

In corporate world, though, I can't reveal my sexuality due to working environment and career advancement. That's why I am practically still in a closet in workplace and of course, to my family members.

If I work in industries such as fitness, media, advertising, fashion etc, I really do not mind to reveal myself. But what to do, sometimes we need to be hiding ourselves in order to earn a living. Sigh!

Anyway, for those who know me and meet me in person before, can you "smell" I am gay? Ha ha ha

2006-08-26T01:39:00.000-07:00

What is Love?

Most of us were in love before and I believe most of us have their own partner or even partners in life. I can sense that few were happy, few were so so and many may encounter problems with their partner. In love-themed movies, when there is a misunderstanding or failure in relationship, he/she will ask "What is love?" "Is love suppose to bring happiness rather than suffering?"

Well, I don't claim that I am a spiritual teachers or expert in love. At least I have been through many ups and downs in relationship in the past. Probably more downs than ups. Now, this post is entirely my very own experience in dealing with relationship.

Love should be not be measured quantitatively, for love is a deep feeling inside us. Why most people just love to measure love, most probably because of self-ego. You may heard your partner or even you yourself asked "How much you love me?" "Why you spend much of your time with your work... or friends .. or blah blah blah?" Or in triangle relationship "Why you treat him/her better than me?"

Ego is being created by our mind, as we think too much. We want someone to give us priority. We want our partner to know that we "own" them and thus, we can demand this and that. In fact, these are all ego, and in long term it'll do harm to ourselves.

When we feel deep inside ourselves, we will only realise that love is all about qualitative. Your partner may be busy with his work, friends etc, but does that mean he/she doesn't love you anymore? Or in triangle relationship, if your partner spend some time with his other partner, does that mean he didn't care about you?

Well, try this exercise. Those questions that I posted above, try to think with your brain and listen to what your brain said. It will give you a lot of negative impression. Probably it will says "Yeah, he doesn't love me anymore" "Hmmm.. his work is more important than me"

Now, try to feel with your heart. Search the answer deep inside your heart by closing your eyes and focusing on ur breathing. You will get the entirely different picture. You can feel the strength of love presence in you and him. You will realise that love is sacred, and you will appreciate it more.

Thus, when you have problems with your partners, seek the answer from your heart and not from your mind. You will get positive and clear picture, and not least peace and calmness.

Remember, love will never turn to hate overnight in a short period of time. Only our self-ego will destroy our love. True love will exist no matter what happened. Even you will still love your ex as a human being (as I posted about intimacy before).

After reading this post, many people may said "It's easier said than done". But in reality, if you don't try it, how do you know it won't works? Again, I can do it, and why not you?

Love is a gift to all human beings. Don't destroy it with our own self-ego.

(P/S: I will post some examples about relationships next)

2006-08-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

FOR ART...

A nice song that I would like to dedicated to you

Mencintaimu...

Loving you

Seumur hidupku

for the rest of my life

Selamanya...

forever

Setia menanti
faithfully waiting

Walau di hati saja...

Although it only said in my heart

Seluruh hidupku

for the rest in my life

Selamanya...

forever

Kau tetap milikku
You always belong to me

Reff:
Hanya satu yang tak mungkin kembali

There's only one that i couldn't take back (my love)

Hanya satu yang tak pernah terjadi

There's only one that never been happened (i took away my love)

Segalanya...

forever

Teramat berarti di hatiku
You are too meaning to me in my heart

Selamanya...

forever

I already let you listening to this song while we were on taxi back to your home in Bangkok last week. Hope you enjoy it! Love...

2006-08-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

I LOST MY MOBILE PHONE

For bloggers to have in contact with me via mobile, I am sorry to say that I lost my mobile phone at the Curve after my usual class on Sat. As such, please email me your contact no to my email address at m2128@hotmail.com or my contact number after Monday 14 August 2006.

I have to get my new SIM card from Maxis on Monday.

Sorry for any inconvenience caused for those who tried to contact me for the past 2 days.

Bryan

2006-08-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

INTIMACY

Many of us believe nowadays intimacy is about two people commit and love each other. Well, it is not wrong for this concept as intimacy will lead to marriage, having children (in the case of straight couples), sharing love and thoughts etc.

However, if we really broaden our thoughts for intimacy, we can achieve intimacy with many kinds of people. With colleagues, family members, friends, acquaitances etc. Well, many of you may not agree with me, but I do agree with what have been written in "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama. He defined intimacy as more towards sharing of passions, happiness and problems with each other.

It was common (though not all) that single people (those without partners) felt lonely because they feel they are lack of intimacy. Loneliness being created when we feel that we can't share our love with other people. But loneliness can be totally be avoided as intimacy can be created with people around us. Probably most people don't aware of this.

I had been single since I broke up with my first ex, which was 9 years back. For almost 5 years, I was in search of intimate relationship, well, in this era we referred it to steady partners. I felt lonely at that time, but now I do realise that I was very wrong, as I didn't appreciate the "intimacy" that I had developed with people around me. I chose to ignore the importance of friendship as I was too desperate to search for partner.

I did found one 4 years back in Bangkok. A lot people said I am crazy having a bf 1600km away from me, most of them thought I could be lonely here. But thanks to the book I have read, with intimacy can be created with just anyone, and I won't feel lonely anymore. As Dalai Lama said, intimacy is not just about having sexual relationship, and intimacy can be created through other means of appreciations, caring, hope and love. I am totally agree with him.

Life will never be lonely and stressful if we define and look things at a different angle. Yet, it's another good example how our perceptions and thoughts greatly influnce our life :)

2006-07-30T05:26:00.000-07:00

SWEET MEMORIES

My top 10 sweetest memories:

1) I met Art for the very first time
2) ....
3) ....

well, I can't think of anything else...

2006-07-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

MIND, BODY & SOUL

This post may bored you, as many people may not believe what I am trying to say, but I swear that this is true, at least from my own experience!

Last Thursday, as I was waiting for lunch with my foreigner colleague at the Curve, I went to browse through some books at Borders. Well, it was the same spot where my good friend recommended me some readings, especially in soul searching topic. This was the place I came across Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation

I read the few pages, and I couldn't believe that what she was used to experience was similar as mine! Is it just a coincidence?

Many years back, I didn't know why I was in depression. I felt I was like an alien in planet Earth. Many nights, similar to Oriah's experience, I woke up and I felt emptiness. I was lying on the bed, feeling a void deep inside my heart. Feeling such a way may gave me an impression the best solution was suicide (By the way, please don't to commit suicide, ok?)

I couldn't find the answer. Until now, when someone recommended me a book called "The Power of NOW" by Eckhart Tolle, then I realised why some people like once me and others as well, were being so negative in life.

Many religions believe that humans consist of mind, body and soul. And do you ever realise that our main "enemy" is our mind? Hmmm... sounds weird, is it?

Mind, most of the time, controls our body. Mind creates thinking, which often heavily depends on our past and the illusioned future. Ask ourselves, did we always think about NOW, whenever we encounter problems?

Thoughts then may creates emotion, which commonly leads to jealousy, envy, anger, selfishness, arrogance etc.

Just take an example, about intimate relationship. I'm sure many of us failed in love before. How normally we react? Why some people take such a long time to let go? Simply because we think too much and our mind making too much noise. Some people totally controlled by our mind, thinking how much they have sacrifice in the past, etc etc etc and how terrible their life will be in an illusioned future. Come on, past is already gone, and the future is just an assumption and it is just an illusion. People can let go fast when they understand what they need NOW, and they want to end their suffering and therefore they let go.

It may be just similar to triangle love. Common thoughts such as "you spend more time with him, so you love him more" are just that our mind creating too much noise, which then leads you to jealousy, envy and anger. If we think in a positive way consciously, is it LOVE just about time spending? How about the sincerity of love deep inside our heart?

If we only concentrate on what is the best for us NOW, do you think we still in despair when we fail in love?

Lots of books ask us to be focus and in order to focus, we need to calm our mind, control our thoughts consciously. The most effective way is still meditation. When your mind reduces the noise, you can think calmly and I stronly believe all negative thoughts will be reduced significantly.

Ask ourselves, what is the purpose of life? It's all about hapiness.

I meditate almost every morning right after I wake up for at least 10 mins. Now I feel I am connected more to my surrounding. I don't feel any void in my heart anymore, but love for being born into this world. I enjoyed every moment that I spent, whether in gym, telephone calls with bf, work, driving etc.

I can do it, and why not you? :)

2006-07-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

The Invitation

One of my good friend's favourite poems written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a foolfor love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will standin the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

2006-07-15T00:50:00.000-07:00

IN THE MOOD OF LOVE

Another Wong Kar Wai's masterpiece, prequel to 2046, is my all time favourite. Similar to many of his films, this film dealed with human's emotion and relationship. Story is quite simple, Chow (Tony Leung) and Li Zhen (Maggie Cheung) are neighbours, discovering that their spouse have secret affairs with each other. In their effort to find out how it happened, slowly they found themselves falling for each other.

This movie made me wandering once again, about relationship and how far can we go? In reality, many people have secret affairs although they have their spouse, be it straight or gay.

At the first place, why people searching for affairs even they have someone? I have been thinking for the reasons for quite sometime, and lately it runs through my head. People search for affairs, I think, mainly because of uncontrolled feeling, sexual desires or too much problems with the existing spouse. However, it is also weird to see that if they want to search for affairs, they still keep their existing spouse. Probably it's because of security, they don't dare to loose both if anything goes wrong.

Many argued that this is an selfish act. Yes, i agree with that, but didn't all of us are born with selfishness? For example, when you heard someone said "fire!fire!" the first thing you will think of is that you want to run and escape, then only you will think of other people besides you. So, it's common to see we love ourselves more than other people. In other way, you can say we are all selfish.

Again, there is nothing right or wrong in love. When we face problems in emotion, normally it's hard to handle, because we are bound of ethics, which we are influenced by traditions and culture that dictate right or wrong.

So, if you ever fall into the trap of triangle love or four corners love like In The Mood of Love, I believe the only way you can do is to focus of what you want.

2006-07-06T08:48:00.000-07:00

2046 - IN SEARCH OF LOST MEMORIES

No doubt, this is one of the greatest film that I've ever watched. I love the way the movie is presented and most importantly, the message of the film.

Directed by Wong Kar Wai (also directly gay love story Happy Together), the movie is about Chow (Tony Leung), a journalist, trying to search his memories of his past affair, Li Zhen (Maggie Cheung). Because he couldn't get her, he searched for women who got similarilities with Li Zhen, as if he finally got her by his side. He wrote a novel, imagined himself, boarding a train that leaving a place called 2046 so that he could forget Li Zhen forever. 2046 is the room number where they first started their affair. At last, he finally realised that he was wrong to find a subtitute for Li Zhen as nobody can replaced her, and he had no choice but stayed with his hope that she would come back to him one day.

Actually, I learnt a lot from this movie. When people can't let go from their previous relationship, they will search for someone that resembles their ex-lover. Don't you think this is very wrong? How about if we found someone who is more alike our ex-lover? Will we dump the current one and go for the more alike one? Or what happen if our ex-lover come back to us? Who will you choose?

In most cases, the main problem here is mostly about letting it go. When a relationship failed especially when we are being rejected, most people tends to search for reasons? Why he dumped me? What have I did wrongly? Why don't you accept me?

In reality, there's no right or wrong in relationship. When it failed, it fails. When we had try hard to save it, and it's still the same, then it's time for us to move on. The so called recapturing memories is not a bad thing at all, as long as the memories we tried to search are the good ones, and able to help us to make ourselves a better person in future. However, if those for fault finding, or making us lost and in despair, then it will be a disaster for us.

When dealing with emotions, it will be a difficult to handle. But come on, this is LIFE! :) Still remember, when I first being dumped, I was totally in lost and takes a long time to recover. I was just like the protoganist in this movie. Now, if I am being dumped, I think I can move on easily. But anyway I hope Art won't leave me lor...

P/S: This post is only for sharing, and I don't have any problems in my relationship now :P

2006-07-04T03:28:00.000-07:00

TO ART...

in times of loneliness
when i feel like giving everything
i own in my life
in exchange for a moment or two
just having you by my side

in times of desperation when all could do
is holding on to what's left of you
just the thought of you will always be true
you're the best thing in my life

they say that love comes easy
as the love that goes
with the hours of the night
well our mornings were always filled
with loving still in our eyes
you see i'm lost
i'm hopelessly lost inside my mind
all because of you

just the thought of you
and when the morning comes
and the sun refuses to rise
and the night goes on
without a star in the sky

i'll still be missing you til the very day that i die
taking with me all the pain and misery
forgotten songs and memories of you
if you could see me
and hear the words i wanted to say

with you i lived a lifetime
without you i can't face another day
if i could see you
if only i could tell you
just how much i really love you

you're the best thing ever
the very best in my life

2006-07-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?

"You know me well, we can't be lovers. Why not just be friends instead?" Bryan to A

I still remember it was on Sept 2005. I received a shocking SMS my ex-coursemate, A (a girl)

A: Is there any possibility that we become couples?

I was shocked. I knew she was interested in me, but she knew my sexuality. Why she asked me such a weird question? I knew I need to deny her love. How? What should I tell her? I need to concentrate in career? I don't like her at all? Or I am gay and I couldn't accept you?

After thinking for 45 minutes, I need to be sincere with her. Love cannot be a sympathy. Nothing is more meaningful if I am not sincere to myself and most importantly, to her. I need to be fair to her by telling her the truth. She deserved it!

With my trembling fingers, I started to press my phone button to key in a reply

Bryan: I'm sorry. We can only be friends. I'm attracted more to guys than girls, and I'm comfortable with that. Hope you respect my decision. Pls delete off this sms after reading it

But I was unsure to send this kind of reply. I consulted Hafiz Hector, and he agreed with my reply. Still I was in lost. But he said he would press the SEND button for me if I was scared to do so. Finally, I closed my eyes and send it

50 minutes later, A called me. She said she respect my decision and we would continue our friendship and agreed not to talk about this matter to anyone anymore.

2 months later, I received another SMS from A

A: Can I tell about one of our friends about what happened to us? I need ur permission.

Bryan: You promised not to do it, right? Why u still want to bring it up?

A: Just for sharing.

Bryan: I thought we promised not to mention at all.

A: I just want to ask ur permission.

Bryan: (angry) Ok, if u want to tell, nothing can stop u. It's up to u. U r matured enough to decide what is right or wrong...

A: So can I?

Bryan: Up to u

Then we didn't contact each other until in April 2006.

A: Did u try to call me?

Bryan: No, probably I mistakenly press the number

A: Why u didn't contact me?

I didn't reply.. Then she sms me again

A: I think our friendship will come to a full stop. I'm hurt because u didn't contact me for so long. I don't need a friend who doesn't bother me at all

Bryan: What? Just because I didn't contact 4 few months, n u want to end our friendship. What about ur other friends? Do u do the same? Or just because I rejected u. U r just ignoring the truth.

A: This is my final decision. I respect urs, hope u respect mine. Pls delete my no. I will delete urs now

Oh, God... Btw I still keep her number. I hope one day she will understand me as love is never for symphaty. I never hate her, and maybe she will realised her wrongdoings one day. A lot ppl said being rejected is terrible, and I can tell you I feel very bad when I rejected her love.

It's undeniable that every single gay will have a woman who is after him.

I didn't regret what I have deal with her as I always believe, to achieve happiness, I must be sincere to myself and to other people.

2006-06-28T09:15:00.000-07:00

PILATES

My previous post was on yoga, so this one is about pilates.

P/S: Hopefully blogger Hafiz Hector will not say I am a pilates instructor. :)

Yoga is very popular in this part of the world, however, pilates is as famous as yoga in the West. Created by Dr Joseph Pilates, who was born with many sickness at young, he was inspired that we should control our body and not otherwise. As such, Pilates created a new exercise that focus on the our core muscles (scientifically known as transverse muscle), which is found beneath our pubic area. The exercise was done in a systematic and controlled movement via connection between our other muscles with the core, meaning none parts of your body would be missed for training. P/S: Maybe penis is excluded in this exercise.. ha ha ha

Pilates teaches balance and control of the body, and that capacity spills over into other areas of one's life.

Major components in pilates include breathing technique (lateral breathing), core connection and maintaining a neutral spine. Major benefits by practicing pilates are:

1. Ease back pain (by strengthening the core muscles)

2. You will be taller (as it keeps lengthening your spine)

3. Six pecks (as all exercises involves your tummy area)

4. Strengthening your muscles and joints (you will build lean muscles, and get a well-toned body)

5. Less injuries (as all movements are cordinated via your core)

6. A correct posture (have you ever seen the posture of a model walking on the stage or a dancer? Tiger Woods practices pilates for correct posture in golf)

In fact, some of the pilates exercises were being modified from yoga. What's the different between yoga and pilates? A lot of differences, especially in breathing techniques and pilates is all about lengthening your spine. In fact, when you open a male fitness magazine such as Men's Health etc, those techniques shown for abs are mostly based on pilates techniques.

Some of the pilates techniques are shown here:

I have learnt pilates for a period of 9 months, and I got a toner body, balance trained muscles, and of course a smaller waist. In just 4 months of doing pilates, my waist was trimmed at least 3 inches. (Well, I am not showing off here, just want to share the benefits of pilates here :P)

Try it and you will feel the difference...

P/S: Shine, pilates is not to train for self-suck.

2006-06-26T01:04:00.000-07:00

IS ANDY LAU GAY?

Some articles of Andy Lau from the internet:

Despite kissing with a number of female celebrities over the years, there were constant rumors that Andy Lau was gay. He has never denied such claims nor did he ever come out like his fellow Hong Kong star, Leslie Cheung.
(Wiki Online Encyclopedia)

HONG KONG (AP) - Veteran Hong Kong actor-singer Andy Lau has denied rumors that he's gay. Asked by an interviewer on Hong Kong's TVB station whether he's a homosexual, Lau said, "I'm not, but if you say I am, I don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe my attitude has caused misunderstanding. I've never pronounced loudly I'm not gay, and I don't think there's the need to do so.''
"I have gays friends,'' said Lau, 44, in the interview, carried in the current issue of the Ming Pao Weekly magazine on Sunday after being aired Saturday. (The Star)

Whether he is gay or not, it makes no differences to me. Since his appearance in the showbiz in the early 80's, truly speaking I am not so fond of him. His vocal sucks, acting so so, but no doubt his nose is sexy.

Anyway, I think he is gay AFTER ALL! :D

2006-06-25T00:20:00.000-07:00

BALLROOM DANCING - TAKE THE LEAD (THE MOVIE)

Take The Lead, a movie about ballroom dancing, starring Anthonio Banderas and the rest, unknown to me. Went to Times Square this afternoon for this movie, as I love to learn dancing ;)

This movie cleared a lot of wrong perceiption that dancing was meant for "sissy" guys. Many of us think that dancing is just too feminine for guys. It was said (in this movie) that ballroom dancing was meant for men who was just as strong and dominant as warriors in the older days.

In ballroom dancing, such as waltz, salsa, rhumba, tango etc, men leads and ladies will follow, however, ladies may have the option either to go with him or not. Dancing is about trust, and mutual understanding between the two partners. It trains ladies to be more confident of what she will choose for herself, and for men, he will learn to respect the lady he loves, and appreciate her to love her forever.

Among all the ballroom dances, I still prefer tango, a dance that impossible to do without trust and love. I still remember when I watched Happy Together, a gay film, starring Tony Leung and the late Lestie Cheung and directed by Wong Kar Wai, tango was being used as to represent the gay couples' love was similar to the straight ones. The scene where Tony Leung and Leslie Cheung performed tango dance is so sexy and adorable.

Guys performing tango are so macho, can really can see his masculine character, i.e. powerful, dominant and stylish.

Fitness First will be launching ballroom dancing next month. I can't wait to be there for the first class.

Some scenes from the Take The Lead:

2006-06-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

YOGA

Yoga? Sounds familiar. Yes, yoga is for an exercise that connects our body, mind and soul into one. Practicing yoga gives numerous benefits, such as toned body, reducing stress, peaceful mind, strengthening muscles and the list goes on and on....

After about 9 months I practice pilates, I had decided to give yoga a try. I didn't want to try out yoga previously as I didn't want to confuse myself for different breathing techniques. Well, it works for me. Not only I got a calmer mind, I managed to toned up my body as well. Faster than I ever imagined. Sooner or later, I would gave up weights training which focussed on muscles isolation, which trained more towards the big muscles such as chest and biceps, but neglect our core muscles and small muscles deep attached to our bones.

Yoga and pilates focus more on body cordination, and most of the post are meant for the whole body, so we never miss out any part of our body workout.

Ok, ok.. Less words and more pics. Here you are some of posts in yoga:

Warrior 1:
for chest, shoulders, neck, belly, thighs, ankles, and calves

Eagle Post:
for thighs, hips, upper back, ankles, calves, hips, concentration, reproduction system

Crane Post:
strengthen arms, wrists, upperback, abdominal muscles (for six pecks).

Side plank:
powerful post to strengthening arms, belly (six pecks), legs and wrists.

For more information about other yoga posts and techniques, visit www. yogajournal.com. By practicing, no more imporportionate muscles in our body. :P

2006-06-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

SPENDING MY SUNDAY

Sunday, June 9, 2006

Waking up at 12.15pm. Oh, gosh... I couldn't make it for my yoga class. :-( Supposingly, I was planning for Vincent's class at Axis. Also felt a bit lazy to go for Body Pump class at 2pm.

Never mind la. After shower, I drove to Old Klang Road for my favourite chee cheong fun. The stall is situated along Jalan Sepadu. I just love the curry gravy there, served with my favourite pig skin and yeong tow foo. Ha ha.. Guilty but nice...

Promised my friend to hand over a music CD to my friend at FF Axis. So I went there, met him and gave him the CD. Traffic was smooth and after that, I on my way to 1U. Yesterday, I bought a slack at G2000 Parkson. That slack needed to be shortened, and I needed to collect it today. Why? Because yesterday they didn't have enough thread. Stupid, right?

Also did some shopping again at 1U. I went to Giant for some grocery shopping as well. Happy to see one of my projects was successful launched in the market. Hmmm... really happy about it after spend so much time and effort into it.

I think I'll be broke soon... ha ha ha

After shopping, it was only 5.30pm. So decided to drive to Cineleisure Damansara for a movie alone. Why Cathay? New, comfortable and less people.

So after seen Harvey's comment in his blog about Cars, so I gave it a try.

Hilarious, fun, nice graphics, and excellent message. At the end, at least, McQueen realised the importance of team work and what friendship means to him. My rating: 4/5.

After movie, then I drove back and have my Indian curry rice at Subang Jaya SS19. However, I still managed to contact Art in Bangkok. Nice to listen to his voice :-)

Back to home I am so tired and after writing this blog, I will have a date with Uncle Chow... haha.. (Sleeping lah)

So the whole day I am alone. Sometimes, I want to ask myself, am I loner? Hmmm... does it matter anyway, when I am happy with what I am now? Of course, with Art, it'll be much better :-)

Good night.

2006-06-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

PARADISE

This picture was taken at the peak of Huangshan, China in 12 Apr 2006 at 6.20am (-3'C). Doesn't it looks like a paradise to you?

It reminds me there are still beauty in this world. And it worths to travel around to experience the beauty we have not ever imagine before.

Do you share the same dreams with me to see the beauty of the world?

2006-06-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

IS THERE ETERNITY?

For me, I don't think so. Simply because when there's a beginning, there shall be an end one day. I shall not be cheated by love songs or fairy tales, where always will ends with "happily ever after".

So when comes to an end, what shall we do?

Keep the best inside us and forget the bad things.

I love the meaning of this lyric. It's really true, at least to me.

多经典的歌后
一刹眼已走
缠绵着青葱的山丘
转眼变蚁丘
这个刹那宇宙拒绝永久
世事无常还是未看够还未看透
多好玩的东西早晚会放低
从前并肩的好兄弟可会撑到底
爱侣爱到一个地步便另觅安慰
枉当初苦苦送礼最艳的花卉
最後化烂泥
夕阳无限好
天色已黄昏
本想去凭爱去换最灿烂一生
想不到长吻带来更永恒伤感

夕阳无限好
却是近黄昏
高峰的快感刹那失憾
风花雪月不肯等人要献便献吻
多风光的海岛一秒变废土
长存在心底的倾慕可会够细数
每秒每晚彷似大盗偷走的青春一天天变老
只可追忆到想追追不到

好风景多的是夕阳平常事
然而每天眼见的永远不相似

2006-06-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

Art Of Selling Skills For Tackling Guys

Since I posted about selling skills in our daily, most people that read the blog don't agree with me. Selling is always selling and that involves dollars and cents, and if incorporate in our life, we will be money minded.

Sigh! How come nowadays people are so naive!

Well, I had many times mentioned that it's selling skills, NOT selling products. Probably our mind already set by our teachers in schools, stressing selling and buying are meant for paying money and after that get products or services in return.

Well, let me show you how selling skills can be used in our life. Consider it if you want to tackle someone...

In selling skills for tackling someone, there are 3 important factors:

1. Focus on that person's needs
What did he wants? His interests? His way of life? His ambition? What he wants to achieve for life? Is he what you are looking for? Well, also is he top or bottom? Etc etc etc. Why many people fail in relationship? Simply because both parties don't focus each other needs before be together. That's common where most people are too concentrate on external beauty.

2. Earn the right to advance
Let him accept you step by step. If it's a real ltr, you can't expect you in bed with him (nowadays not surprise anyway, ha ha) and ask him to commit everything to you. You can expect him to tell you everything all at once. Never appear to be pushy. Step by step.

3. Involve him through persuasion
As I said, never appear to be pushy. You know what I mean lah. Ha ha

TRUST ME! IT WORKS... GOOD LUCK

2006-06-04T08:13:00.000-07:00

Discovering Yourself and Live With It! (Part 4)

Discovering My True Love
I am sure many of us know how gays get to know each other. Some of us know each other from chatrooms, pubs, massage centers, gyms, being friend's friend etc. It is undeniable most chatrooms nowadays have become sex rooms, most people (can say 85%) there are looking for sex. Sometimes it keeps me wondering are there so many desperate for sex?

Well, in a recent studies, it was acknowledged that gay men had more sexual desire than the straight ones, mainly because of our hormone. Well, I totally agree with this report.

I did logon to the chatroom all the time, normally just "parking" there. On 24 Sept 2002 (I still remember this date), someone privated me. We chatted for almost 2 hours, and then we exchanged phone numbers and e-mails. I just thought we may be good friends, as he's Thai, and stayed in Bangkok. We continued to contact each other as good friends for 2 months plus, and then one fine day I decided to meet him in Bangkok, as I was on transit to Cambodia for holiday. Before that we never exchange our photos before.

I still remember the place we met was in McDonald Central Lad Phrao. We had a chat before I need to rush to meet my straight friends in other parts of Bangkok. And I realised that I have fall in love with him.

Yes, we loved each other very much. For the past few years, we were separated by distance. We managed to meet few times a year. Most of my friends said that I was crazy and looking for disaster. There would be no good ending for us.

At first, I have doubts. I have so many fears in my mind. But I know to ensure our relationship works, we must have faith to each other. It's TRUST.

However, I dared to say that our relationship lasted until now. Coming this Dec, we will be celebrating 4th anniversary as love partner (although there was a break-up in between).

I love him. Because I can feel that he is the only one who really understand me. I don't care how seldom we meet as long as we know that we love each other. He loves me for who I am.

Whenever we have problems, we always open up for discussion. Many people just try to ignore. Why not talk about it? Why are we so afraid to admit if it's our fault? Isn't it good when someone can prove that you are wrong, and you realised it and improve further?

Is arguement bad for relationship? To me, it's NOT. Arguement occurs when we have different in expectation. Arguement (if you look in a positive way) brings couples closer. At the end of the arguement, compromise and reach a consensus. It's an effective way to understand each other more.

Why we need to see everyday? Is distance a main issue? Are we far away?

Well, actually we are looking at the same moon and stars every night. Ha Ha Ha.

I have promised him no matter what will happen in future, he always have a place in my heart.

I love you, Art. I know I always do.

2006-06-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Discover Yourself And Live With It (Part 3)

Discovering Positive Thinking

It was in 2001, I came to KL for a permanent job. The first day I walked into the office, I had known I had a great job. Though challenging, I had a very caring and great teacher as my supervisor. As time passed, we were became good friends rather than supervisor - subordinate relationship.

Don't be mistaken, there was nothing between us (ha ha). He told me a lot about how positive we should be. He told me that selling was not a talent, but a skill. Something that we could master and practice. I believed that and I knew from that day onwards, I would be in selling line for the rest of my life.

Many people despise selling, but many of us didn't know that we practice selling skills in our daily life. How we convince our parents and friends accepting our ideas? That's selling skills. I am talking about selling skills, not selling something and then get profit.

Once he told me, that if someone could prove him wrong, he would be very thankful to that person as he could have a chance to further improve himself.

What a great saying! Now in my vocabulary, there would be no more "weakness" but rather "opportunity for improvement"

From then, I had become a positive person. I knew that being a positive thinking state, it would make my life happier. And it did. There's a quote in a Chinese movie "That's Life, My Darling" 新不了情

“如果死亡是一生中最坏的事，那人生里不会有不了的事情”
If human's greatest problem is death, then there must be solution to anything else.

I realised many people demotivated when problems come. Sitting down there and thinking. Be sad. Disappointed. Got stressed. Despair. Depression etc etc etc.

Why not be proactive? Try to solve the problem. Seek help from people around you. Or just forget it and move on?

Life is short, and never loose it for someone else!

To be continued... Discovering My True Love

2006-06-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

Discover Yourself and Live With It (Part 2)

My graduation was on the year 1999. It was a bad year, really. At the peak of the recession after the financial crisis in 1997. Job vacancies were getting less and less. Not much job available especially you wished to get a technical / support job. I still need to survive, as such, I landed myself in selling, oh, yes! I'm a salesman.

Working is definitely very different from studying (Guess many people agree with me). You must know to handle your supervisor, your peers etc etc etc.

Politics! Politics! Politics!

I didn't enjoy my work at all. I hated my job. I hated my supervisors. I hated my life! Once again, I was crashed into disaster again. Nothing seems to be right. I failed in my love. I kept on falling in love with the wrong people (all straight guys). And I was still in the closet, not willing to open up myself. To my friends, I am damn straight guy.

Because of my failures in career and love at that time, I became a very defensive person. I just don't listen to others.

I am always correct, and you're wrong.

I am doing a favour for you, and you need to return back to me.

I am falling in love with you, no matter what you need to love me.

I was wrong. I was indeed wrong. I was definitely wrong.

Again, my heart whispered to me once again. I needed to change. I couldn't stay in such an environment that would destroy me.With full of confidence, I began to write numerous resume for other job opportunities. I had to move out from Penang.

I wanted to change! I needed to change! AND I MUST CHANGE!

Probably it's my luck, I managed to find a job in KL and it had changed my life forever ...

To be continued....

2006-06-01T03:03:00.000-07:00

Discover Yourself and Live With It (Part 1)

Recently I read many blogs concerning sexuality. What if when you have discovered you are gay, lesbian or bisexual? How you want to deal with it? How to deal with rejection? Will you just ignore or accept with open heart? This is my experience...

Discovering my own sexuality at the age of 20, I still remembered. I was in university, as a freshie, I was all out to make friends. I never thought of falling in love with my close friend of the same sex. Although I tried to resist, I couldn't control myself but to give in. Our relationship lasted for 8 months. There were ups and downs. Ups... we loved each other so much. Downs... he couldn't accept of his own sexuality. Why? Because of his religion, saying that God prohibits homosexuality. We fight a lot on this issue, until at one time, I gave up and I didn't want to continue the relationship anymore.

He cried and begged me to stay. That's my problem when I saw someone cried. I retracted my decision and continued to be with him. Not knowing that one day he would leave me. And he did. He did it for the sake of his love to God. He wanted to be free from my "satanic" influence.

I was disappointed, truly disappointed. I felt I was betrayed. The one whom I loved calling me Satan and accusing me that I would beat him up. He never wanted to meet me again. He confessed his "sin" to his Church friends, saying I was the "Satan" to lure him to hell.

I totally lost all my confidence in life. I lost confidence in all the people around me. I gave him all my love and is this what I get in return? I tried to seek help from my straight friends, no one was willing to offer any guidance. To them I was the shit of society.

I cried and cried. Continue crying, crying and crying....

Until one fine day (6 months after), just before I went to sleep, I heard a voice... A voice calling me deep in my heart. "Why are you suffering? Why you cry? Why don't you move on? Why are you torturing yourself? Why? Why? Why?"

I was still sobbing, covering my wet eyes with both of my hands. Out all of a sudden, I stopped sobbing. I could sense I was smiling. Smiling because I knew I have move on. I knew there were lots of meaningful things I could do in life. Why suffer for someone that not even worth to be mentioned again?

From that day on, I no longer crying for him. As years passed, I began to sense the importance of life. Nothing is more important than to live on. I learnt to appreciate people around me, learnt to accept friendship. I no longer felt that I was the unlucky ones. Now I am glad that because of this experience and him, I have become a better person.

I no longer hate him and I won't hate him. I respect his decision 10 years ago. And I wish he is happy whatever he is doing right now.

I am proud to be gay, and I never regret for what I have chosen for myself. I never regret for what I have been through. Most people are looking back in anger... BUT I AM LOOKING BACK WITH A HAPPY SMILE!

To be continued...

2006-05-31T09:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday, 27 May 2006

It’s raining now in Ipoh. After taking 2 days leave, I decided to come back to hometown for a break. Read some blogs written by my friends, probably I should try to start one for my own. I never think of writing a blog before, but when I read some touching stories and experiences, well, I asked myself “Why not?” Anyway, it’s a good effort to share my thoughts to my friends and the world. Though many believed it’s a means for expressing rather than pleasing others, I feel “sharing” is the best word (for me, at least) to describe the purpose of starting a blog.
Watching “A.I.” again over TV3 now makes me wondering about “love” again. Many blogs are about emotion on love. However, I felt writing about purpose of life is a more interesting subject to share.

How many of us realised what is the purpose of life? Christians said our purpose of life is about going back to the side of God. Buddhists debated that humans should achieved Nirvana where we will not to be reborn again for avoiding suffering. Youth nowadays believed our purpose of life is to achieve happiness, as long as they are happy, they won’t care about anything else. Some people devoted their life into work, searching for rich and fame, or some into their children and family. Of course, to someone, be loved in return is the ultimate purpose of life.

But is that really the purpose of life? Nobody can give a definite answer. Life still remains a mystery to all of us. Why are we born into this world? What will happen to us when we die? Are we going to be reborn? Are we going to go back to the side of God? Or rather we will take “eternal” sleep? These questions are still unanswerable.

If we don’t have the answer and probably we really can’t have it, why should we bother? What can we do?

For me, the purpose of my life is to achieve what I want in my life. Each of us has different goals and dreams of what kind of life they want to achieve. Be if it’s fame, health, love, richness and the list goes on and on… So priority is very important in order to achiever what you want.
Do the best of what we can now. Do what you think the best for yourself. Do what you think the best of your loved ones. And not to forget accept failures, rejections and comments with open heart.

Life is not as easy as ABC. There are many uncertainties. Once my secondary school asked in class “What is the most difficult thing you can think of?” I answered “LIFE”. It’s just like going through a thick forest, sometimes you may get a straight and easy road, sometimes it’s bumpy, or it may be a steep mountain, or down the hill (ha ha, reminds me of rpm).

Some people prefer the answer for their future as if everything is properly planned or you know the ending. Will life be fun then? Not surprise, most of us will say YES. Imagine if you are reading a thrilling novel. It will be no fun for me if I know the contents before I flipped to the second page. Why not we face all the challenges? Why not we learn from our experiences and mistakes to equip us for greater challenges? Wouldn’t that be more meaningful in our life? I think these apply to all aspect in our life – career, financial, love, family matters, friendship etc.
Know that your greatest enemy is yourself. We don’t need to know why we are here. We just need to know what it’s best for us and what are we going to do to achieve “our” most ultimate purpose of life.

I still have not achieved mine, and how about yours? I wish all of us could achieve it!

Good Luck!