Discover Yourself and Live With It (Part 1)

Recently I read many blogs concerning sexuality. What if when you have discovered you are gay, lesbian or bisexual? How you want to deal with it? How to deal with rejection? Will you just ignore or accept with open heart? This is my experience...

Discovering my own sexuality at the age of 20, I still remembered. I was in university, as a freshie, I was all out to make friends. I never thought of falling in love with my close friend of the same sex. Although I tried to resist, I couldn't control myself but to give in. Our relationship lasted for 8 months. There were ups and downs. Ups... we loved each other so much. Downs... he couldn't accept of his own sexuality. Why? Because of his religion, saying that God prohibits homosexuality. We fight a lot on this issue, until at one time, I gave up and I didn't want to continue the relationship anymore.

He cried and begged me to stay. That's my problem when I saw someone cried. I retracted my decision and continued to be with him. Not knowing that one day he would leave me. And he did. He did it for the sake of his love to God. He wanted to be free from my "satanic" influence.

I was disappointed, truly disappointed. I felt I was betrayed. The one whom I loved calling me Satan and accusing me that I would beat him up. He never wanted to meet me again. He confessed his "sin" to his Church friends, saying I was the "Satan" to lure him to hell.

I totally lost all my confidence in life. I lost confidence in all the people around me. I gave him all my love and is this what I get in return? I tried to seek help from my straight friends, no one was willing to offer any guidance. To them I was the shit of society.

I cried and cried. Continue crying, crying and crying....

Until one fine day (6 months after), just before I went to sleep, I heard a voice... A voice calling me deep in my heart. "Why are you suffering? Why you cry? Why don't you move on? Why are you torturing yourself? Why? Why? Why?"

I was still sobbing, covering my wet eyes with both of my hands. Out all of a sudden, I stopped sobbing. I could sense I was smiling. Smiling because I knew I have move on. I knew there were lots of meaningful things I could do in life. Why suffer for someone that not even worth to be mentioned again?

From that day on, I no longer crying for him. As years passed, I began to sense the importance of life. Nothing is more important than to live on. I learnt to appreciate people around me, learnt to accept friendship. I no longer felt that I was the unlucky ones. Now I am glad that because of this experience and him, I have become a better person.

I no longer hate him and I won't hate him. I respect his decision 10 years ago. And I wish he is happy whatever he is doing right now.

I am proud to be gay, and I never regret for what I have chosen for myself. I never regret for what I have been through. Most people are looking back in anger... BUT I AM LOOKING BACK WITH A HAPPY SMILE!


To be continued...