SWEET MEMORIES

My top 10 sweetest memories:

1) I met Art for the very first time
2) ....
3) ....

well, I can't think of anything else...

MIND, BODY & SOUL

This post may bored you, as many people may not believe what I am trying to say, but I swear that this is true, at least from my own experience!

Last Thursday, as I was waiting for lunch with my foreigner colleague at the Curve, I went to browse through some books at Borders. Well, it was the same spot where my good friend recommended me some readings, especially in soul searching topic. This was the place I came across Oriah Mountain Dreamer's The Invitation

I read the few pages, and I couldn't believe that what she was used to experience was similar as mine! Is it just a coincidence?

Many years back, I didn't know why I was in depression. I felt I was like an alien in planet Earth. Many nights, similar to Oriah's experience, I woke up and I felt emptiness. I was lying on the bed, feeling a void deep inside my heart. Feeling such a way may gave me an impression the best solution was suicide (By the way, please don't to commit suicide, ok?)

I couldn't find the answer. Until now, when someone recommended me a book called "The Power of NOW" by Eckhart Tolle, then I realised why some people like once me and others as well, were being so negative in life.

Many religions believe that humans consist of mind, body and soul. And do you ever realise that our main "enemy" is our mind? Hmmm... sounds weird, is it?

Mind, most of the time, controls our body. Mind creates thinking, which often heavily depends on our past and the illusioned future. Ask ourselves, did we always think about NOW, whenever we encounter problems?

Thoughts then may creates emotion, which commonly leads to jealousy, envy, anger, selfishness, arrogance etc.

Just take an example, about intimate relationship. I'm sure many of us failed in love before. How normally we react? Why some people take such a long time to let go? Simply because we think too much and our mind making too much noise. Some people totally controlled by our mind, thinking how much they have sacrifice in the past, etc etc etc and how terrible their life will be in an illusioned future. Come on, past is already gone, and the future is just an assumption and it is just an illusion. People can let go fast when they understand what they need NOW, and they want to end their suffering and therefore they let go.

It may be just similar to triangle love. Common thoughts such as "you spend more time with him, so you love him more" are just that our mind creating too much noise, which then leads you to jealousy, envy and anger. If we think in a positive way consciously, is it LOVE just about time spending? How about the sincerity of love deep inside our heart?

If we only concentrate on what is the best for us NOW, do you think we still in despair when we fail in love?

Lots of books ask us to be focus and in order to focus, we need to calm our mind, control our thoughts consciously. The most effective way is still meditation. When your mind reduces the noise, you can think calmly and I stronly believe all negative thoughts will be reduced significantly.

Ask ourselves, what is the purpose of life? It's all about hapiness.

I meditate almost every morning right after I wake up for at least 10 mins. Now I feel I am connected more to my surrounding. I don't feel any void in my heart anymore, but love for being born into this world. I enjoyed every moment that I spent, whether in gym, telephone calls with bf, work, driving etc.

I can do it, and why not you? :)

The Invitation

One of my good friend's favourite poems written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a foolfor love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will standin the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

IN THE MOOD OF LOVE

Another Wong Kar Wai's masterpiece, prequel to 2046, is my all time favourite. Similar to many of his films, this film dealed with human's emotion and relationship. Story is quite simple, Chow (Tony Leung) and Li Zhen (Maggie Cheung) are neighbours, discovering that their spouse have secret affairs with each other. In their effort to find out how it happened, slowly they found themselves falling for each other.

This movie made me wandering once again, about relationship and how far can we go? In reality, many people have secret affairs although they have their spouse, be it straight or gay.

At the first place, why people searching for affairs even they have someone? I have been thinking for the reasons for quite sometime, and lately it runs through my head. People search for affairs, I think, mainly because of uncontrolled feeling, sexual desires or too much problems with the existing spouse. However, it is also weird to see that if they want to search for affairs, they still keep their existing spouse. Probably it's because of security, they don't dare to loose both if anything goes wrong.

Many argued that this is an selfish act. Yes, i agree with that, but didn't all of us are born with selfishness? For example, when you heard someone said "fire!fire!" the first thing you will think of is that you want to run and escape, then only you will think of other people besides you. So, it's common to see we love ourselves more than other people. In other way, you can say we are all selfish.

Again, there is nothing right or wrong in love. When we face problems in emotion, normally it's hard to handle, because we are bound of ethics, which we are influenced by traditions and culture that dictate right or wrong.

So, if you ever fall into the trap of triangle love or four corners love like In The Mood of Love, I believe the only way you can do is to focus of what you want.

2046 - IN SEARCH OF LOST MEMORIES

No doubt, this is one of the greatest film that I've ever watched. I love the way the movie is presented and most importantly, the message of the film.

Directed by Wong Kar Wai (also directly gay love story Happy Together), the movie is about Chow (Tony Leung), a journalist, trying to search his memories of his past affair, Li Zhen (Maggie Cheung). Because he couldn't get her, he searched for women who got similarilities with Li Zhen, as if he finally got her by his side. He wrote a novel, imagined himself, boarding a train that leaving a place called 2046 so that he could forget Li Zhen forever. 2046 is the room number where they first started their affair. At last, he finally realised that he was wrong to find a subtitute for Li Zhen as nobody can replaced her, and he had no choice but stayed with his hope that she would come back to him one day.

Actually, I learnt a lot from this movie. When people can't let go from their previous relationship, they will search for someone that resembles their ex-lover. Don't you think this is very wrong? How about if we found someone who is more alike our ex-lover? Will we dump the current one and go for the more alike one? Or what happen if our ex-lover come back to us? Who will you choose?

In most cases, the main problem here is mostly about letting it go. When a relationship failed especially when we are being rejected, most people tends to search for reasons? Why he dumped me? What have I did wrongly? Why don't you accept me?

In reality, there's no right or wrong in relationship. When it failed, it fails. When we had try hard to save it, and it's still the same, then it's time for us to move on. The so called recapturing memories is not a bad thing at all, as long as the memories we tried to search are the good ones, and able to help us to make ourselves a better person in future. However, if those for fault finding, or making us lost and in despair, then it will be a disaster for us.

When dealing with emotions, it will be a difficult to handle. But come on, this is LIFE! :) Still remember, when I first being dumped, I was totally in lost and takes a long time to recover. I was just like the protoganist in this movie. Now, if I am being dumped, I think I can move on easily. But anyway I hope Art won't leave me lor...

P/S: This post is only for sharing, and I don't have any problems in my relationship now :P

TO ART...


in times of loneliness
when i feel like giving everything
i own in my life
in exchange for a moment or two
just having you by my side

in times of desperation when all could do
is holding on to what's left of you
just the thought of you will always be true
you're the best thing in my life

they say that love comes easy
as the love that goes
with the hours of the night
well our mornings were always filled
with loving still in our eyes
you see i'm lost
i'm hopelessly lost inside my mind
all because of you

just the thought of you
and when the morning comes
and the sun refuses to rise
and the night goes on
without a star in the sky

i'll still be missing you til the very day that i die
taking with me all the pain and misery
forgotten songs and memories of you
if you could see me
and hear the words i wanted to say

with you i lived a lifetime
without you i can't face another day
if i could see you
if only i could tell you
just how much i really love you

you're the best thing ever
the very best in my life

WHY CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?

"You know me well, we can't be lovers. Why not just be friends instead?" Bryan to A

I still remember it was on Sept 2005. I received a shocking SMS my ex-coursemate, A (a girl)

A: Is there any possibility that we become couples?

I was shocked. I knew she was interested in me, but she knew my sexuality. Why she asked me such a weird question? I knew I need to deny her love. How? What should I tell her? I need to concentrate in career? I don't like her at all? Or I am gay and I couldn't accept you?

After thinking for 45 minutes, I need to be sincere with her. Love cannot be a sympathy. Nothing is more meaningful if I am not sincere to myself and most importantly, to her. I need to be fair to her by telling her the truth. She deserved it!

With my trembling fingers, I started to press my phone button to key in a reply

Bryan: I'm sorry. We can only be friends. I'm attracted more to guys than girls, and I'm comfortable with that. Hope you respect my decision. Pls delete off this sms after reading it

But I was unsure to send this kind of reply. I consulted Hafiz Hector, and he agreed with my reply. Still I was in lost. But he said he would press the SEND button for me if I was scared to do so. Finally, I closed my eyes and send it

50 minutes later, A called me. She said she respect my decision and we would continue our friendship and agreed not to talk about this matter to anyone anymore.

2 months later, I received another SMS from A

A: Can I tell about one of our friends about what happened to us? I need ur permission.

Bryan: You promised not to do it, right? Why u still want to bring it up?

A: Just for sharing.

Bryan: I thought we promised not to mention at all.

A: I just want to ask ur permission.

Bryan: (angry) Ok, if u want to tell, nothing can stop u. It's up to u. U r matured enough to decide what is right or wrong...

A: So can I?

Bryan: Up to u

Then we didn't contact each other until in April 2006.

A: Did u try to call me?

Bryan: No, probably I mistakenly press the number

A: Why u didn't contact me?

I didn't reply.. Then she sms me again

A: I think our friendship will come to a full stop. I'm hurt because u didn't contact me for so long. I don't need a friend who doesn't bother me at all

Bryan: What? Just because I didn't contact 4 few months, n u want to end our friendship. What about ur other friends? Do u do the same? Or just because I rejected u. U r just ignoring the truth.

A: This is my final decision. I respect urs, hope u respect mine. Pls delete my no. I will delete urs now

Oh, God... Btw I still keep her number. I hope one day she will understand me as love is never for symphaty. I never hate her, and maybe she will realised her wrongdoings one day. A lot ppl said being rejected is terrible, and I can tell you I feel very bad when I rejected her love.

It's undeniable that every single gay will have a woman who is after him.

I didn't regret what I have deal with her as I always believe, to achieve happiness, I must be sincere to myself and to other people.